I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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