I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
