I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
