btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
