Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
