I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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