I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
