Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
