I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
