I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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