The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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