connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
