Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
