im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
