Umm I'm too high to move.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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