i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
