I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
