If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
