i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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