hotel room ftw
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
we should paint friendship bongs
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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