Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i think i just lost a toe
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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