I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
