I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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