DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
