just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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