she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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