he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
