My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
