Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
