I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
