I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
