We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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