Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
