is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
