I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Couch. On fire.
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