You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
