the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
