8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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