yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
