i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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