seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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