My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
