I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
