I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
