having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
