i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
