I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
