I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
