Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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