you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
