Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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