marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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